Somewhere I read or heard a quote, I can’t remember the exact words (I don’t know the original author either, so I hope this doesn’t count as plagiarism) that adults are people who are recovering from childhood. I am in the process of recovering from childhood, for 12 years already!
Sometimes I wish I could just wake up without being triggered throughout the day, just have a peaceful day, be happy-go-lucky. You know, be the kind of person who seems to have everything under control and who just live for the moment. Unfortunately I am not that kind of person. I am more serious. Sometimes more emotional.
Talking about emotions, I don’t really like to experience them. I prefer to stay objective and in control. Emotions are something strange, I try to separate them from who I am to explain and understand them, I don’t get this right and then I feel like a failure. Emotions sometimes make me do and say things I don’t want to do or say. This really sucks.
According to an article on personality hacker, being emotional is very difficult for INTP’s and we react to emotions in some sense as a three year old. Even in my relationship with my husband emotions have been a big stumbling block. Either I am over emotional or I lack sensitivity, almost like my emotions are stuck to a pendulum, swinging out of control. It feels like most of the times my emotions are out of balance. This is a frustration for both of us. Around him I am much more emotional and sensitive than I am around other people. It could be that I am more open, that I trust him more. I don’t understand why I am more emotional around my husband.
In my relationship with my husband most of my childhood issues are being highlighted. I need to deal with these issues to receive healing, to be able to process my childhood and to look forward to a brighter future. So I decided to look my emotions in the eye. To figure out where they come from, to analyze them and to find healing in the process. For me this feels like a very scary step.
I’ve been in a sexually abusive relationship when I was 14-19 years of age. I went to a psychologist and prayer counselor and I dealt with most of the issues as result of sexual abuse. It is only in the last few months that I realized I never admitted to myself that I were also, maybe, emotionally abused in this relationship. Now that I realize this, I need to sort out the memories, the emotions, and this process is frightening me.
What if I feel lonely and isolated again? What if I crack down? What if I cannot handle it? All these questions.
I will write again about my childhood and the process of recovering from it. For now I know that I am still recovering and thinking of how to recover in more effective ways.